waiting...

I am sitting in a hotel in Columbus....
Waiting for doctors to call....waiting....waiting....I told someone earlier that I was at the mercy of the doctors. Not true. I am at the mercy of the Lord.
I am in pain. Awful Pain. When I walk it feels like my feet are broken.

After much cranial work and my atlas being adjusted incorrectly, I am left starting over. The trip to New York was over a month ago. I feel worse than I did when we initially went.

Physically, my body has seen one ailment after another, for about three years.

I don't know the end result. I want to know. But I don't. People keep telling me it will get better. People tell me I will have a nice smile again some day(currently no front tooth.. I wear a fake one. pain 24/7 in my mouth, nose and the jaw...hence, the cranial work)
Why do people think this? I do believe that the Lord is going to heal my neck....in His time. I feel that He has revealed that to me. I do not know this for certain....just a feeling.
I think I have come to the revealation too, as to why people tell me I will have healing and things will get better.
We are Americans. Things, as a whole, come easy to us. We have a headache? We can fix that. We are hungry? We can fix that. We want to buy something for fun? We can usually do that. We need to see the Dr? We can go see a Dr. When we have a problem, we usually can find out how to fix it. Maybe you have seen a different life....but that's the one I know. If I have a problem, I find a solution. It's not an option to stop trying. When I first lost my tooth I had countless people tell me..."there are so many things 'they' can do now...you'll never know you lost a tooth."
Thats true, to a certain extent. But what if it's not in the will of God for me to have another front tooth?
What if it's not in the will of God to heal me? What if it's not in the will of God to bring home my daughter from Haiti?

What if.... God reveals Himself the most in pain? What if God reveals our deepest need...Himself....when we lose the things we think we need? What if what it says in the Bible is true? What if passages like Romans 8:17 (we will only be glorified with Him PROVIDED that we suffer with Him) and 2Tim. 2:3 (share in the sufferings of Christ) changed their meaning and gave us assurance of His love. What if the afflictions of this life truly did pail in comparison to what is waiting for those who love Him?

God is the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow. So the God that I read about in the old testament, is the same living God today. That God was pretty serious. My God is pretty serious.
What if I started to care about what He truly cares about? Yes, I believe God cares about my pain. However, pain is ALL over sciptures and is clearly part of the Christian walk so He will not remove it if He wants to accomplish something with it.
So what does God truly care about? What if I looked at my sin the same way God does? Those that say God does not bring on natural disasters because He is a God of love? I don't really understand that. Yes, He is a God of love. He is also a God of wrath. He killed His Son in order to satisfy His wrath (on believers) And He has appointed a time that all men will die (or see Christ in the clouds) and He chooses that event. For some reason we are ok if someone dies of old age because "they've lived a good life" but it is unthinkable that God would choose someone to go in a tornado or earth quake? The bottom line is whether we go at 20 or 90, it's all a vapor. And we still will stand before a Holy God.
So what does a Holy God care about? Holiness, for one.
At what cost do I want to share in the glory of Christ? The cost is death. When you are born again you die to yourself....your desires...the American dream....comfort....security....
What if I cared about the sin I committed yesterday or the sin that I constantly struggle with as much as I cared about the pain I am in?
When Jesus said blessed are those who mourn....I believe He meant mourn over their sin. (feel free to check me on that....I remember reading that in my ESV notes I think)

God has been so gracious to me. I have these temper tantrums when I have to lie down all day. When I have to watch my family go to an event without me. When they play outside and I watch from the window. I lose my faith....how are You going to make this good God? How do we proceed in this adoption when I can't walk right now Lord? How?
When I have these tantrums...I tell Him. I need you to come down here and get me. Save me. Help me. Pick me up. Love me. Show me that You haven't left me.
He always does. He cares about my pain. But He is not willing to stop it until He has taught me what He wants to teach  me through it. He is not willing to stop it until I trust Him alone and not the 20 doctors, dentists, oral surgeons, Atlas Orthagonals that I have seen.
I wait on Him alone. At what point did He designate that I will not have pain in my mouth anymore? That my neck will hold an adjustment? That I can walk without pain? That I can play with my kids? That I can travel to Haiti? That I can get my daughter?

I don't know. How long, O Lord? David lamented....I lament.

I have listened/watched a couple things on suffering lately that have been to great comfort to me.

One is the biography of John Bunyan by John Piper. (this is long...set aside some time..this is one of my dad's favorites)
http://www.desiringgod.org/biographies/to-live-upon-god-that-is-invisible

The other is a video clip by Bob Sorge called "God could have left Job alone" (only 5 min)
http://bobsorge.com/video/


If you are dealing with any kind of hurt, affliction or trial that is causing you to question God or just need encouragement, those are great resources (in addition to the Bible of course.)

I am still waiting....Hoping to see the dr. before the day is up.
I pray the Lord has that in mind for me today.

Psalm 51:1...
Have mercy on me O God according to your steadfast love....

Christmas

This will be the second year since making our family Christmas decree- no presents under the tree. (although we have learned that we can't stop grandma...:) 

Two years ago, the day after Christmas, Brian and I felt let down. We struggled to keep our hearts on Christ on Christmas day and if it was hard for us, imagine how it was for our kids. We had scaled down Christmas a lot over the years. Only a few gifts per child and a stocking. We ditched Santa several years before that so that he wouldn't be attempting to steal the spotlight from Christ. (Of Course, Santa or anyone for that matter can't take anything from Christ...)

I don't think gift giving is wrong- I actually love when people show love to one another through a heart felt gift.  It's just that I realized we busy ourselves with so much cultural agenda that it becomes challenging to focus on what we truly need. Him. And what I really want to celebrate on Christmas is Christ....not stuff. 

On Christmas day last year, I honestly thought there was going to be a void. Christmas with no presents?  But something else, unexpected happened. For the first time in my life, and my husbands, we experienced our real gift, Christ, in a way we never had. And let's be honest. I don't need anything....material, that is. What I need more of, daily, hourly, minute by minute, is Christ. What I don't need is more distractions away from Him. 

So we filled the day with other, life giving things. Baking, singing, fire making, praying for others, giving gifts to those who truly need it, reading, playing games....hopefully when the kids are older we can add serving to that. 

Sure, our kids had a struggle adjusting....as did we. But at the end of the day, our oldest told us he was thankful that we did that. Um, ok. That's not normal. And you know what buddy, only God can do that. Only God. 

I'm thankful to be freed to enjoy Christ as the season approaches. I was one of the hyper moms that wanted to have everything just right. Sparkly packages with the most fun surprises inside. Running around like a lunatic to make everyone happy but actually wanting to just stop and breathe. So, Lord willing, we will add the Jesse tree (thank you Ann Voskamp!) to our tradition this year, try to focus on those in true need and bask in the love of our beautiful gift, Jesus. 

Identity

I went to the mall yesterday. I don't like the mall. I used to like it.

About a year and a half  ago I began a battle. Just me and the Lord. He decided some of the idols in my heart needed to go even though I was quite comfortable with them. In fact, I'm not sure I would have even called them idols.
But now I see them for what they were. God has weeded out many things in the past year. Trials that I'm not sure I will share with anyone other than my family. But this battle I feel I should share.

The battle is my identity. Even more specifically, my appearance and how that plays into my identity.
So, in God's sovreignty, I lost the normal use of my knees/feet (I can walk although I can no longer exercise rigourously or squat down, or mop up my kitchen floor on my knees....) And I lost one of my front teeth.
Let's start with the knees. When I injured my knees, I was in complete denial. And I immediately began to freak out about not getting in my normal workouts after just a couple of days. As the days progressed into weeks, I panicked about losing all of my muscle and hardwork....since after all, it takes forever to get in shape and about 2 weeks to get out of shape. Not to mention, part of my identity with my husband was in our working out together and staying fit together. Would he still find me attractive if I am not toned and in shape? This sounds so shallow as I write this. I mean really, how pathetic. BUT, I'm going to go out on a limb here as I look at american culture and other women and say I am not the only one who found identity in my body or how I fit into my clothes. Oh how crafty Satan is and how easily I am tempted. anyway, weeks turned into months and now it is 15 months later- gone through m any doctors and acupuncture, and taking herbs for inflammation and blah blah blah and I am still not able to exercise. Prior to this injury, I was addicted to exercise. ADDICTED. Now, I feel set free. I still pray God will heal my knees completely (I have since had my arches fall in my feet and now deal with pain there as well) but if He chooses not too- He has given me something soo much better than healthy knees. It's Him. More of Him. He makes up that part of my identity now that I used to fill with my body.
Now, the even more painful part of this idol. 18 months ago I had a root canal done on one of my front teeth. long story short, the tooth never healed and I had to...GASP....have it pulled out. Listen. This darn near sent me to therapy. Walking into the oral surgeon that day knowing I was walking out with not front tooth....WHAT????? what 34 year old woman in America wants to do that?
So. God gave me perfect peace that day. PERFECT PEACE.
Now, if you think I was concerned that my husband wouldn't find me attractive from not working out....how do you think I thought about him seeing me without a front tooth? Can I just say here- My husband is so freaking amazing. He tells me that I'm beautiful when I am walking around without my fake tooth in. Again, WHAT??? What man in america wants a wife without a front tooth? Nevermind tells her she is beautiful? and I know what you are thinking....He is just saying that because it's loving and because he wants to make me feel better (which, even if that was the case- that is total love) But its not. My husband's view of beauty has changed. He actually thinks I'm beautiful. I certainly don't and fight the lies from satan every day but my husband speaks truth into me.
So,  incidentally, the saga continued after my tooth was pulled because after six months I went to get a post put in for an implant and the oral surgeon placed it wrong....he put it in over top of my other front tooth- the "good" one. I have no idea what is going to happen now. I have constant pain in my other front tooth now. I have had second and third opinions on what to do next. At this point, prayer is it. (which is more than enough).  So the battle continues on....I pray that I can keep my other front tooth.

So, I don't like the mall. The mall represents what America thinks is beautiful. Blown up Victoria Secret ads that sell something that isn't real...or good....or righteous. Something that at one point I wanted to attain in my own way (yes, I know I am not model material but I wanted to look my personal best) Even the most dedicated followers of Christ struggle in the mall. Temptation everywhere....and don't get me started on wanting to shield my kids from this stuff.

In His mercy, God saved me from those idols. It has been, and will continue to be a very painful process- physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I have struggled to submit to Him what He wanted- all of me. All of my heart. All of my desires. This is just part of what He has taught me this past 18 months. Dare I say that it was good? Romans 8:28 says that He works all things out for the good of those who love Him....
It was good. He is good. He has called me to deny myself in this....in return- more of Him.

weak or strong?

I do not like the feeling of being weak. I like to be physically strong. I like the feeling of accomplishing things on my own. I like to be productive. I enjoy working hard and seeing results. I do not like sitting around, watching other people do things that I believe I should be doing.

That's my problem. If I truly believe God has numbered my days (Psalm 139:16), designed my steps (Proverbs 16:9) and is sovereign over all (Psalm 103:19), then I must believe that this season He has  me in....which consists of physical pain and inability to function with ease, is part of His plan for me...and for my family.

I have heard the verse ringing in my ears and deep in my heart many times over the last week.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

There are many things that I have boasted in through out my life. Weakness, has never been high on the list of things that I want to broadcast about myself. But, for the first time, He is allowing me to see the beauty in my weakness.
Because when my flesh is weak, I allow Christ to take over. When I am able to do things in my flesh, I have the allusion of doing them on my own. When I am at the end of my rope, have given up and given in, Christ becomes my all. I have found, the more I seek after Christ, the more challenging my life becomes. The more challenging my life becomes, the more I seek after Christ. And I am able to say, His grace is sufficient.
I haven't exercised in about 3 months. I used to boast in being in shape. God, in His mercy, is making sure I do not boast in a physically fit body...He wants my identity in Him.
I haven't been able to cook, clean, do laundry or care for my kids without help lately. God, in His mercy, is making sure I do not boast in my ability to be a super mom and super wife. He wants my identity in Him.
I have had countless doctors appts, dentist appts, endodontist appts, chiropractor appts, acupuncture appts, naturopath appts.....I have taken pride in my ability to care for my family and keep us healthy....God, in His mercy is showing me my health is not where I boast, but in Him ALONE.
The list can continue.

What Satan may intend to harm, God intends for good. (Romans 8:28).
I want to boast in Christ alone and know that in my difficulties, weaknesses- Then, I am strong.
I don't want to be known for things that I can do in my flesh- like be super fit, super health nut, super mom and wife....I want to be known for Christ. Because, and here is the best part-

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Ps.73:26)

What I do in my flesh is temporary. What I do with the strength of Christ is eternal.

So, here I am.
Kristen McCort- Knees are swollen and weak, rib popped out of place last week and still sore. back is achy constantly with a tingling going down my leg. My front tooth has now had two root canals on it and is probably going to have to be pulled soon. My flesh is definitely failing.
I'm a sinful mess. I need to ask forgiveness from my husband and kids frequently. I am in control of nothing....EXCEPT, my obedience to God.  And, of course, I fail at that too. But, that is what the Cross is for!

Join with me in boasting in your weakness and allowing Christ to do more in you than you ever thought imaginable.

trials of many kinds....

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4

When you really read this passage, it is unbelievable. First, count it joy? I don't know about anyone else, but this sinful girl really struggles to count it joy when I am under trial. And lately, my life seems to be one trial after another. But even as I write this I find it comforting, that the God and Creator of the universe would love me so deeply to discipline and make me a child of his. He is preparing His church...we are to be presented as a body without spot or blemish (Eph. 5:27). Our trials, afflictions, sufferings, and pain consecrate us, set us apart, and produce in us steadfastness....perserverance. Then, this steadfastness- firm and unwavering faith, will cause us to be PERFECT AND COMPLETE, LACKING IN NOTHING!! Wow. Do your trials cause you to rejoice? do they cause you to seek the Father more diligently? do they cause you to become blameless and pure....producing character that resembles Christ? So often, I want to run the other way. To find the quickest route out of the pain or the test I may be experiencing. But if I do that, I become like a disobedient child. But when I read Hebrews 12, I find joy in my trials- 

My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises EVERY son whom he receives. It is discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which ALL have participated, then you are illegitimate children and NOT sons. Hebrews 12:6-8

This passage can cause you to examine your faith. Which is good, after all we are called to "work out our salvation with fear and trembling" (phil. 2:12) but it can also lead to peace. I want to be a son. I want to know that the pain, whether it be physical, emotional, relational, mental...whether it be as I fight my sin, fight for my child in Haiti, fight to have joy in the midst of pain, fight to not allow the world to creep and take hold in my heart or in my family,  is not in vain. I want to know that when I finish the race, that when I stand before Christ, I will hear those words that I long to hear so that my life on this temporary earth will not have been WASTED...."well done, good and faithful servant." 

HOW GLORIOUS! 

So as Satan entices me to quit (I Peter 5:8) ..... to stop denying myself, to stop worrying about lost souls, to live for the here and now instead of keeping my eyes on eternity,  to entertain myself and to love what the world loves (comfort, easy life, prosperity, self), to not find joy in the hardship, I will press on! With the power of the Holy Spirit, I will fight the good fight of faith. I can not do it on my own, but by the One who lives inside me and whose promises are true. 

 

Homeschooling.....really?

I never thought I would be one to attempt to homeschool. To be honest, in my sinful self, I thought those who chose homeschooling were weird, crazy and somewhat disconnected from reality. So, either I now disagree with those old opinions I had, or I too have become weird, crazy and disconnected!

So, what happened to me?

This past spring, God began to challenge me on my ideas of what I thought our family should look like. I never had considered homeschooling, but all of a sudden, everywhere I turned, there was something going on with homeschooling. I chalked it up to coincidence....for as long as I could. Then I realized God was going to keep pursuing me until I gave up. After declaring both to God and to my husband that I was on all accounts incapable of homeschooling my children, I felt God ask me if I believed the verse that I can do all things through HIM who gives me strength....and if I believed that His strength is perfected in my weakness. Sure, I believe that. But I'm not willing to try it out here. I kept coming up with excuses to God. Surely He must remember that I have a very active baby that requires a lot of my attention and energy....that I am trying to complete adoption paperwork for our next child....that I need to cook, clean and care for a home....etc....

So, God, in His most loving and Father-like way, gave me what I needed to show me He was enough to help me homeschool my first grader and preschooler. He gave me assurance after assurance that this is in fact what I-we were to do. He had me walk into a popcorn shop that was closed for the day to the public but was filled with- you guessed it! homeschoolers and their mothers....learning and laughing together. He gave me a friend who was adamant that her children needed to be taken out of school so they could be taught the true gospel from her and her husband. He gave me my mom who was/is willing to help in anyway she can. He gave me a group of about 8-10 women who need and want to collaborate, meet, pray and learn to school our children together. He led me to a book written by a very convincing man (RC Sproul JR) that is biblically based on how and why we should be training up our children to look different than the world. These are just a few of His assurances. And He continues to show us that this is what he wants.

But the biggest thing that He did was to change my heart of stone. He has transformed yet another part of my heart and turned it into what He wanted instead of what I wanted.

I don't know how long our family will homeschool- hopefully, not one day more or one day less than God wants us too. I am learning that submission to God means not knowing. It means listening....and obeying. I am so thankful that He cared enough about me to continue to change my desires to be His. I am thankful that He cares enough about my children that He didn't stop after the first 20 times I blocked out the conviction from the Holy Spirit. I am thankful that He loves me enough to treat me like a daughter, and gently show me that He knows what is best.

Why now? Why Haiti?

Why are we adopting again, now?

1. We believe there is another member of this family that is not here with us yet that God has asked us to go get. A child that has no family, no home, no security, no love and may never be taught the gospel unless we go to her.

2. It is a command in the bible to take care of orphans- we are able bodies and have enough resources to care for another child. We want to be obedient and we feel the Spirit leading us to act now.

James 1:27- Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after widows and orphans in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Isaiah 1:17- Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless....

Hosea 14:3- ...in you, the orphan finds mercy.

3.We feel the best way to teach our children the gospel of Jesus is to live it out. that means not just preaching to them what we are called to do as disciples but actually going and doing what we have been commanded to do. In this, our hope is to take Ty with us at least once to Haiti in order to show him what is currently happening in the world and the desperate need that people and children are experiencing for basic necessities as well as their need to be shown the gospel. Matt. 28:16-20 (the Great Commission) Matt 25:31-45 (the Least of These)

4.We also believe that we are fighting against a culture that believes it is ok to be complacent and safe. We also feel we are fighting against the idea that God’s word only applied to the disciples back in the bible, and not to us as disciples now. God is unchanging (malachi 3:6; James 1:17; Hebrews 13:8) , the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow. His word is “living and active” (Hebrews 4:12) and it has clearly called us as Christians to a life that is NOT safe and NOT complacent. Instead, called us to a radical life that will do anything in order that others may know Christ. Luke 9:23-25 states this:

And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. for what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?

In addition, the bible also states that we WILL receive persecution and suffering as disciples of Christ. 2 Timothy 2:3 &10 and 2 Timothy 3:12. People all around the globe are experiencing it....shouldn’t we join in for their sake? Jesus is telling us as a disciple, we should be experiencing this. pretty black and white if you ask me.

5.It is important to us for each member of the family to have someone that looks like them, this will give Nyah a sibling that resembles her.

6.We feel that God has something to teach us while in Haiti, just as He did while we were in Ethiopia. We are excited to go and we look forward to our first trip there. We believe that the emergency situation that is going on there is our responsibility as part of His church- the hands and feet of Christ. And He is moving us urgently.

Why Haiti?

Back in december, Ty- with the passionate and merciful heart that God has given him, told me that He felt God was calling him (TY!) to do something in Haiti. Realizing that he is only 6, I thought it was great that he was thinking globally for God’s kingdom but at the time, I just figured that we were meant to pray for Haiti, as we had been doing as a family after the earthquake.

Time went by and I began to feel the desire again to adopt. After researching several agencies and countries, I was beginning to feel now was not the time and that I should just be patient. Many of the countries are in unrest right now and several of them have gone to two separate trips (ethiopia) that just didn’t seem right for us right now, especially thinking of leaving Nyah for two weeks. And asking someone to WATCH our kids for two weeks also seemed wrong considering the ages that the are.

So, I tried to put it out of my head for a while. I continue to get emails for a website that has a waiting child photolisting....I of course looked at them weekly. Feeling that God was telling us we were not done. I found a picture of a little girl and followed the link to the placing agency that she is with to find out where she was from.....Haiti. Hmmmm. Never read anything on Haiti...not a lot of agencies go through Haiti anymore. I immediately felt a tug. I needed to research!! I texted Brian, who was on a business trip at the time and said “I think we should adopt from Haiti. Pray about it!” Of course, he chalked it up to my wild passion for orphans- but said he would pray. (side note- I am a bit of a loose canon.) That day, I did some research online and by phone. I found out after talking to someone that the requirements for Haiti are quite bizarre and that most people do not fit the bill. Oh. I felt dejected. Countries put so many limitations of who can adopt based on things that would not qualify you as being a good or bad parent. It’s unfortunate but its the way adoption is. I asked the person to just tell me what the requirements were so I could go ahead and rule out the program.

First requirement- at least one parent has to be 35.

Ok, got that one. Brian is 35. Next.

Second- you have to be married for at least 10 years.

I’m getting excited now. We’ve been married- 10 years!!

Third- this is the hard one- currently, most agencies are not accepting families unless they have either no children in the home OR only adopted children. (Biological children require authorization from the president of Haiti and those are not going well. )

I have goosebumps and feel as though my heart my leap out of my chest.

I say- “we only have adopted children!” I had told him earlier in the phone call that we had three kids.

The man says- “All three of your children are adopted?”

“THATS RIGHT!!!!”

“Wow. you are good to go then.”

I’m shaking as I text Brian this new info. He is in an important meeting at the time but this was important too!!! His reply- “Well we have something to talk about.”

I continue to do more research so I can report to him when he gets home.

The next morning, I take Ty to school and we pass a house that has burned down. We talk about how Jesus says in the bible to not “store up” things of this world and that we are not to put our security in our possessions because at any moment, they can be gone. We then talk about how houses, cars and money can give us a false sense of dependence on ourselves instead of on our Almighty God who can “give and take away” as he pleases. We talk about those that have nothing but still can have joy because they know Jesus, have salvation and the hope of eternity in heaven. At that point, Ty says, “you know mom, I still believe that God is calling me to do something in Haiti.” He did not know about anything that happened the day before.

Silence. God is moving. He is making His desires known to a six year old and He is giving me the same desire.

This is not a coincidence and NO ONE will every convince me of that.

This is how our journey to Haiti started.

After this, we prayed, A LOT. Brian, as the head of our house, wanted to be sure this was the right time. God continued to give us reassurance as we sought His will. We also not only felt his reassurance but began to get an absolute urgency to go. We couldn’t think of one good reason to wait. Even though our household is often total chaos, Brian has spurts where his job can require a fair amount of travel, and I am going to start homeschooling this fall. None of it mattered. There are children waiting. And when I look at my three children, I don’t just see my children. I see little faces that were once orphaned, alone, abandoned, discarded.

Thank you God for teaching us. We want to know You more. We want to know Your broken heart for these children and the people of Haiti.