contentment and spritual battle

Confession. 

I am tired today.

I miss my home today. 

I am struggling to fight today.

I am discontent in my suffering today. 

This week we moved into another new house. 

The last six weeks have looked like this: 

Week one- in Columbus for 4 days away from the kids in a hotel. Went home and realized the Doc there did significant damage to my already messed up neck. 

Week two- Brian, Nyah and I come back to NY to see the Doc here to correct and undo the work from the other doc. We anticipated staying only a few days but realized I would be back shortly if I tried to go home. We moved from a hotel into a little inn....My dad flew in to be with Nyah and I and Brian flew out to go on a business trip. 

Week three- Brian picks up my mom and the boys after his trip and brings them to the inn to stay with us. 

We unpack. 

Week four- we pack up as I am not able to sleep in any beds in the whole inn. We head to a house up on the mountain. I had held 12 days when we headed up the mountain. By the time we got to the house, I had come out of alignment. 

Week five- I move back to the hotel with a few family members while I get adjusted 8 times that week. We attempt to go back and forth. I can't hold and we realize we need to be closer to the dr. and back off the mountain. 

Week six- Brian packs us up yet again, half of our stuff is in the hotel and half up in the mountain house. It takes him two days to get it packed and unloaded in another new house. 

That brings us to today. We are all very tired and weary. Our kids are afraid to sleep alone. Brian is continuing to juggle everything like a clown in a circus. My mom is working tirelessly.

I watch. I lay down. Did I mention I am a type A personality? No wonder God continues to ask stillness from me....

I can't cut up fruit. I can't do more than 20 minutes of school work with the kids because its too taxing to look down (I am only able to type right now because I have come out of alignment.) I can't go to the store. I can't......the list continues. Not only can I not do anything to help....I need them to help me. 

Turn the shower on for me. 

Pour the juice for me (I can't lift anything more than a fork)

Rub the muscles in my back for me. 

Yesterday I had held for 8 days. The last two days had been decent days for me. I had stopped flaring badly. I was able to be up and moving around for over 6 hours each day. I continue to have less pain in my knees, arches, and other areas that had been damaged due to my neck. Overall, I see progress even though it is so. unbelievably. slow. 

Everytime I verbalize that I have a semi good day or see improvement- I get attacked. EVERY SINGLE TIME. If I mention in passing I'm having a good day or my pain isn't awful, it changes. Almost instantly. Last night it happened again. 

I was sitting up with Brian. The house was quiet. We were discussing the fact that he has to go on a trip tomorrow morning. I was telling him that I was grateful I was holding alignment because I didn't think my mom and I could handle me being out and dealing with another flare while he was gone. 

About two minutes later, I went to lay down in bed, I heard a pop in my neck. I came out of alignment. 

I couldn't believe it. I had even prayed to the Lord before I told Brian I was grateful for a little progress. I had asked Him to keep Satan away from me and protect me as I give a self assessment that was positive. I knew that each time I had done this in the last month it was met with a flare or a change.

He didn't. He heard my prayer. But He said no. 

I am still shaken by the fact that He said no.

Brian leaves tomorrow morning and I am currently out of alignment. My body feels like I have been inside a dryer tumbling around for the last 12 hours. When I get put back in, I usually flare badly. Nerves fire up my head and down my spine, skin hurts, feet and hands go numb, muscles spasm....

So I am assuming that trend will continue tomorrow...

I went to the Lord. God, Why? I know I shouldn't question. I know Your ways are too high. I know I dont understand Your purposes. But I still cry out. How long O Lord? 

Last night was clear to me that I am in a battle. This is not something that if I have enough will power and determination and positive thinking....I will get better. I am doing my part...eating healthy, taking supplements, resting, icing, etc...but I am not in control. 

There is a battle going on for my soul.

There is a battle going on for my children. 

We got the official call this week for Mercy, in Haiti. 

It's no surprise that I had my WORST pain day in months, the day we got that call. Why? because we are in a war. 

2 Corinthians 10:3- For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. 

Ephesians 6:12- For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rules, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. 

Satan knows his time is short. (Rev. 12:12) 

And he wants to take down anyone he can with him before he gets thrown in the fire for all of eternity. 

Including me. Including you. Including my little girl in Haiti. Anything he can do to stop us from loving God, trusting God, holding fast....he will do it. 

God is still in control though. Satan got permission to afflict Job. God makes the boudaries. Satan can not cross. 

Forgive me Lord for questioning You. I know you will sustain us this week as the circus continues. It won't be pretty. It will be filled with pain. The kids will be upside down as I can't help out...and my mom will do the best she can to take care of me, take care of them, and type up my dad's schoolwork! Brian will have to travel and be conflicted about doing his job well while leaving his family in disarray.

It will be another week of chaos. 

So, we have a choice to make. 

Run to the Lord and be content in the week He has called us too. 

Or Run from Him. 

Each day will be a fight to run to Him. 

I know His Spirit will help us endure. 

We are turning in paperwork this week for our adoption. We were officially matched in Haiti this week. 

We are attaching with our acceptance a personal statement from me as well as a doctors letter. We are hoping that they give us grace. Because, as it stands right now, I would need to get on a plane within the next month for our first trip to meet her. 

God is a God of miracles. 

We are asking Haiti officials to release me of this first trip (Mercy would not come home until a later trip...) 

I don't know what will happen next. We continue to wait on Him. 

Continue to fight for our daughter. Continue to fight for healing. Continue to fight for contentment in this trial that He has called us too.

Continue to fight the good fight of faith....1 Tim. 6:12 

Faithful

Today is day 16 in New York.

Before I went to bed, I came out of adjustment, again. I haven't been able to hold for the last 4 days, which makes sleeping very difficult as my symptoms are erradic and strong. 

Many have have asked me what my exact diagnosis is. 

Currently, this is how I see it. 

Apparently, I have had damage to my neck. When did that happen? I'm not really sure. Brian and I were in a car accident about 10 years ago...I never felt at that point that something happened to my neck. About 3 years ago I started to have symptoms that led me to have to go to a chiropractor frequently. Sciatic nerve and hip pain, followed by neck pain. Then about 20 months ago I hurt my knees badly. We couldn't figure out the culprite. I went to countless doctors. Praise the Lord, I did not do anything that they wanted me to do at the time. I didn't feel they could determine the problem so I didn't want to start giving myself cortizone and other therapies knowing that if it didn't work, I just comprised my body a little more. Time went by, my knees never recovered but I was atleast able to walk on them after a couple months....painfully, but still walking. About two months after that, I had a rib pop out. Extremely painful....my chiro was able to put it back in, which he had to do many times over a 2 month period, but it finally healed enough that I could use my upper body somewhat again. By this time though, I was extremely fragile. No exercise, no squatting down, no cleaning floors, and worst of all, no picking up my kids. 

Meanwhile, my front tooth was pulled for various reasons that I will spare you. Then I had a post put in for an implant that was put in sideways...incorrectly. By the time I got it back out of my mouth, I had severe damage and pain. Through countless doctors, both medical and natural, we have come to the conclusion that my palate is out of alignment.... I went to a cranial sacral doctor to try and repair it. She was able to give me relief at first but as the movement progressed in my mouth and head, my neck was not able to handle it. It was extremely painful. After 6 weeks of trying to juggle the pain that the cranial caused, we realized I had a pretty large problem in my neck that had never been diagnosed. By this time though, I couldn't function. The bones in my head are now called "dysfunctional" and let me tell you, I can feel how dysfunctional they are. I had massive pain and ribs began to pop out on each side now and I basically could no longer do anything but lie down.

Around this time, in complete despair, I decided "out of the blue" (ie....God) to go to a family friend who is a doctor/chiro and ask for some wisdom. He had just been to a conference and met a man who does upright MRI's to find info on the neck/head/brain that a traditional MRI could not show. Hugely important since the head weighs 10-14 lbs....kind of essential o see the dynamic of the head sitting on the neck. 

Hence, this doctor is in New York. This man is nothing short of inspired in his field. God has given him a gift that not many have. It has been a pure joy working with this man. 

After the MRI, we did indeed find damage to ligaments and my atlas out of alignment, my spine starting to curve (which of course would cause knees to not work, ribs to pop out, oh and arches in my feet to fall...that also happened in that time span.) 

Praise the Lord, He revealed one of my biggest problems. In addition to my atlas being out, the brain stem had dropped low and the cerebrospinal fluid was blocked....

He was able to fix that issue after one minor adjustment to my atlas. However, I now have to hold said adjustment. When your atlas has been out for some crazy amount of time and your spine and head are messed up, and you have damage to your ligaments... it is not easy to hold an adjustment. 

So, here we are. 2 months later. We have essentially moved to NY because no one can adjust me like this doctor can. We tried to have a doc in Columbus adjust me according to the same vectors/calculations...it did not go well. 

I held the adjustment for 12 days when we initially got here. The last 4 days have been in and out....very painful.  

Woke up pleading with the Lord to let me hold today....just today, Lord? 

Part two of the story goes like this. 

Three years ago this January, I traveled in a blizzard to turn in our homestudy for the adoption that we are still going through. In this blizzard, I had a very intimate experience with the Lord. As I was gripping the wheel, going about 10 MPH, praying that God would protect me up to Cleveland, I heard Him very clearly. He said....Kristen. This blizzard is what your adoption is going to look like. 

What? ok, Lord. I know that that homestudy was brutal. So much so that I though we might be denied...after already had adopting 3 kids! But, I'm taking the study now Lord...that hurdle is done. 

He said it again. By this time there are actually plow trucks spun off the road. NOT KIDDING. I felt the Spirit say...

If you don't keep your eyes on me through this process...you will be off the road too. 

Um, ok. 

Then, I went under a bridge. I could see under the bridge...

Yes, at times I will let you see what I am doing. But, most of the time (I come out from under the bridge and can not see anything, back to white knuckeling the wheel) you will be driving blind. You have to trust Me in the this. 

I had this conversation with the Lord ALL the way to Cleveland. 

It's three years later. In addition to what has happened to my body, there have been countless other very big things that caused us to question whether or not we could continue.  

He has been faithful in every single thing. And I am not talking little things like, is our house big enough?  I'm talking earth shattering things. 

So, here we are. Sitting in NY. Wondering what He has in store for us today. We have moved around four different times in the last 2 weeks. Our kids are starting to see their desperate need for Christ as the realize their mommy and daddy have no control over life (Praise Him for that!) 

I have to declare Him faithful.
Every time that there seems to be movement in our adoption...it "somehow" gets delayed.

We asked our agency if just Brian could travel for the first trip so it would take the pressure off me to heal completely and take as much time as was needed....

The answer was no. 

We both have to be there. 

I have no idea how God is going to get me ready to travel to Haiti. 

I can't hold my head up for more than 5 hours in a day!

With God, all things are possible....

This is not just an adoption. 

We have had our little girl's picture for 18 months. She turned 2 in Jan. 

She is part of our family. We love her as we do all our children....and our children love her. 

We talk about her everyday...pray for her everyday...long for her everyday....

I wonder to God...How are you going to do this? 

He gave us a name for her a while back.....I believe it's the answer that I keep asking Him. 

Mercy. 

Please pray with us for the seemingly impossible....that is very possible with an all-powerful God. 

Mercy, Lord.