Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.
I woke up reading a post by my favorite online pastor about this passage this morning....It was so timely.
We have been back in New York for about 2 1/2 weeks.
Medically I have struggled to hold alignment...I've done enough healing and stayed in alignment long enough that none of it really makes sense. I'm finding that to be right on par though with everything else going on in our life. The Holy Spirit has been moving....whispering.
Do you truly believe that I am soveriegn over ever detail of your life.
Yes. Where I don't, help my unbelief. (love Job 12:10....in His hand are EVERY living thing and the breath of all mankind)
Do you truly want to live for My glory only?
Hmmmmm. Can I get back to you on that? Define "only"....
I've said I do want to live only for His glory for the last 5 years but now He is actually calling me out on it.
The last couple years have been wracked with hardship. Emotional/relational pain. Physical degeneration. An elusive adoption. The inability to mother the way I would want (schooling my kids from the laying down position and telling my mom what to make for dinner is not my idea of mothering....) Moving to New York for months and leaving family and friends and church and school and comfortability and and and....
I'm literally watching us lose our life....back to John 12....
You ok with this Kristen? I want you in New York right now.
Let me back pedal. I held alignment for six weeks and was doing very well. We lost the house we were renting in NY bc it was rented by someone else for the summer. It seemed an appropriate time to go home...realizing I may come out of alignment again and we would probably have to come back for short stints....SHORT stints....we packed up to head home.
The day we were going to leave in late April, Max and Ty were on a large wooden bench swing. Long story short, it flipped over and fell ON Max's head. Major injury. We took him to my Doc....sure enough, his atlas was out dramatically....probably also had a mild concussion.
We delayed coming home a day. Doc had to realign Max as well.
After taking a few days to get home, we finally arrived. The next morning my mom woke up violently sick, followed by Ty and Max getting it shortly after. I, of course had to avoid them like the plague. Throwing up would definitely throw me out of alignment.
Well, the stress of all of it threw me out anyway. Because I hadn't been out of align. for over a month and a half....I didn't recognize the symptoms at first. But sure enough....nerves firing, feet and knees in horrific pain due to spinal cord damage, numbness....etc. The pain got so intense we had to head back about five days later. (Just Brian, Nyah and me at first...the boys and my mom joined us about 10 days later. )
It took me several days to hold alignment again...but after a few tries, I got in a grove again. After about a week, when we were starting to contemplate coming home, we hear from my mom in ohio...Max is not doing well....complaining about his neck a lot. sigh....
Ok. No sense going home when I don't feel quite ready to travel back yet and now my little man needs to see my Dr. again.
So....mom packs up the car and meets us here. Max was way out again...He too is struggling. Wearing a neck brace just like his mommy...since their arrival I have come back out again. I have found that it is extremely hard to heal a neck injury as a mother of young children. I spend considerable amount of time telling them no...I can't...I wish I could....I know I heard you did that!...I'm so glad it went well buddy...No I can't be there....
It rips my heart out. But sometimes...I take a walk with them when I shouldn't. Or read a book with them just a little too long. Or eat dinner with my family when I already feel taxed....because I am already missing so much of their lives and they need me there...and I need to be there. So, if it takes me an extra 6 months to heal because I ate dinner with my family then that's what it will be. But most of the time...I have to say "no"....back to John 12....I ask the Lord...Is this good? Is all of this important for my salvation? Is it important for my husband's salvation to run his family and job from a hotel room? Is it important for my children's salvation? (which is the ONLY thing I pray for for my children.....If they are following the Lord, I need not worry what their job is or who they marry...the Holy Spirit can direct them :) )
The answer is Yes. It is.
I believe Romans 8:28 with ALL MY HEART. All things work together for the good of those who love Him for those who are called....(paraphrase....from memory so may not be perfect)
That is not Him working things out for my earthly good....that is Him working things out for my ETERNAL good.
And Brian and I are watching the fruit grow in our kids. It's so painful to be squeezed by the Lord....but what comes out, when its the work of the spirit, is oh so sweet!
So. Here we are. In NY. Another crossroads. I was out of alignment again this morning. Can't go home. Whole family is devastated. And I get to be the bearer of bad news.
This last week I have heard loud and clear the Spirit working on me with more questions.... One of which has to do with the fact that there is a huge Jewish population here.
Both Brian and I have prayed fervently to be on mission for the Lord. We kept thinking it was going to be Haiti...where our daughter waits on the Lord to come home....
Maybe it still will be. Although He has to heal me....
Maybe it's NY right now? I don't know....I would love nothing more than to hold align.and go home.
But that's my flesh.
What do you want Lord?
I have been reading articles about witnessing to the Jewish people like an addict during the last week. Not because I necessarily want too...but because He is provoking me! He truly does counsel you in the way you should go...
What will tomorrow bring?
Those of you who have walked closely with us know that I am completely unable to answer questions about anything.
When are you coming home? Are the boys going to finish up school? Are you going to Haiti? When is your mom heading back with your dad? Have you found a house...again?? Do you hope to be home next month...? When is Mercy coming home? Do you think you will be ready to mother her?
Even the question..."are you in alignment" seems daunting.
I used to try and answer these with great consideration.
Nothing ever pans out the way I answer.
So, if you ask me any of these questions...I will tell you I don't know.
God has truly taught us to rely on Him alone and that He plans our days.
Yes, we still try. But really....ask my kids. It's almost funny. It NEVER happens how we say.
I have listened to my youngest son recite Psalm 139 to me the last month...
You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.....
It's not an accident that I can't hold again. This is Your plan for my family right now.
I listen to my oldest recite the catechism....the very first one...The cheif end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.
My job is to glorify Him...to LOSE my life. My hopes. My dreams. ( I love it when God uses my kids to preach to me.)
Die to my flesh...pick up my cross. And do what you set before me. AND THEN- I will enjoy YOU forever!!
I asked my mom the other day if she thought the suffering and trials would stop.
No. You are united to Christ now Kristen. The Bible says that those who are His will suffer with Him.
Thank you, Mom.
Praying He shows us what to do tomorrow...that He will help us endure...and that we will glorify Him. Maybe we stay in NY and learn to do life here and witness to whom He calls us to witness... or maybe He will allow us to come home.
Your will O Lord.