I went to the mall yesterday. I don't like the mall. I used to like it.
About a year and a half ago I began a battle. Just me and the Lord. He decided some of the idols in my heart needed to go even though I was quite comfortable with them. In fact, I'm not sure I would have even called them idols.
But now I see them for what they were. God has weeded out many things in the past year. Trials that I'm not sure I will share with anyone other than my family. But this battle I feel I should share.
The battle is my identity. Even more specifically, my appearance and how that plays into my identity.
So, in God's sovreignty, I lost the normal use of my knees/feet (I can walk although I can no longer exercise rigourously or squat down, or mop up my kitchen floor on my knees....) And I lost one of my front teeth.
Let's start with the knees. When I injured my knees, I was in complete denial. And I immediately began to freak out about not getting in my normal workouts after just a couple of days. As the days progressed into weeks, I panicked about losing all of my muscle and hardwork....since after all, it takes forever to get in shape and about 2 weeks to get out of shape. Not to mention, part of my identity with my husband was in our working out together and staying fit together. Would he still find me attractive if I am not toned and in shape? This sounds so shallow as I write this. I mean really, how pathetic. BUT, I'm going to go out on a limb here as I look at american culture and other women and say I am not the only one who found identity in my body or how I fit into my clothes. Oh how crafty Satan is and how easily I am tempted. anyway, weeks turned into months and now it is 15 months later- gone through m any doctors and acupuncture, and taking herbs for inflammation and blah blah blah and I am still not able to exercise. Prior to this injury, I was addicted to exercise. ADDICTED. Now, I feel set free. I still pray God will heal my knees completely (I have since had my arches fall in my feet and now deal with pain there as well) but if He chooses not too- He has given me something soo much better than healthy knees. It's Him. More of Him. He makes up that part of my identity now that I used to fill with my body.
Now, the even more painful part of this idol. 18 months ago I had a root canal done on one of my front teeth. long story short, the tooth never healed and I had to...GASP....have it pulled out. Listen. This darn near sent me to therapy. Walking into the oral surgeon that day knowing I was walking out with not front tooth....WHAT????? what 34 year old woman in America wants to do that?
So. God gave me perfect peace that day. PERFECT PEACE.
Now, if you think I was concerned that my husband wouldn't find me attractive from not working out....how do you think I thought about him seeing me without a front tooth? Can I just say here- My husband is so freaking amazing. He tells me that I'm beautiful when I am walking around without my fake tooth in. Again, WHAT??? What man in america wants a wife without a front tooth? Nevermind tells her she is beautiful? and I know what you are thinking....He is just saying that because it's loving and because he wants to make me feel better (which, even if that was the case- that is total love) But its not. My husband's view of beauty has changed. He actually thinks I'm beautiful. I certainly don't and fight the lies from satan every day but my husband speaks truth into me.
So, incidentally, the saga continued after my tooth was pulled because after six months I went to get a post put in for an implant and the oral surgeon placed it wrong....he put it in over top of my other front tooth- the "good" one. I have no idea what is going to happen now. I have constant pain in my other front tooth now. I have had second and third opinions on what to do next. At this point, prayer is it. (which is more than enough). So the battle continues on....I pray that I can keep my other front tooth.
So, I don't like the mall. The mall represents what America thinks is beautiful. Blown up Victoria Secret ads that sell something that isn't real...or good....or righteous. Something that at one point I wanted to attain in my own way (yes, I know I am not model material but I wanted to look my personal best) Even the most dedicated followers of Christ struggle in the mall. Temptation everywhere....and don't get me started on wanting to shield my kids from this stuff.
In His mercy, God saved me from those idols. It has been, and will continue to be a very painful process- physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I have struggled to submit to Him what He wanted- all of me. All of my heart. All of my desires. This is just part of what He has taught me this past 18 months. Dare I say that it was good? Romans 8:28 says that He works all things out for the good of those who love Him....
It was good. He is good. He has called me to deny myself in this....in return- more of Him.
