Confession.
I am tired today.
I miss my home today.
I am struggling to fight today.
I am discontent in my suffering today.
This week we moved into another new house.
The last six weeks have looked like this:
Week one- in Columbus for 4 days away from the kids in a hotel. Went home and realized the Doc there did significant damage to my already messed up neck.
Week two- Brian, Nyah and I come back to NY to see the Doc here to correct and undo the work from the other doc. We anticipated staying only a few days but realized I would be back shortly if I tried to go home. We moved from a hotel into a little inn....My dad flew in to be with Nyah and I and Brian flew out to go on a business trip.
Week three- Brian picks up my mom and the boys after his trip and brings them to the inn to stay with us.
We unpack.
Week four- we pack up as I am not able to sleep in any beds in the whole inn. We head to a house up on the mountain. I had held 12 days when we headed up the mountain. By the time we got to the house, I had come out of alignment.
Week five- I move back to the hotel with a few family members while I get adjusted 8 times that week. We attempt to go back and forth. I can't hold and we realize we need to be closer to the dr. and back off the mountain.
Week six- Brian packs us up yet again, half of our stuff is in the hotel and half up in the mountain house. It takes him two days to get it packed and unloaded in another new house.
That brings us to today. We are all very tired and weary. Our kids are afraid to sleep alone. Brian is continuing to juggle everything like a clown in a circus. My mom is working tirelessly.
I watch. I lay down. Did I mention I am a type A personality? No wonder God continues to ask stillness from me....
I can't cut up fruit. I can't do more than 20 minutes of school work with the kids because its too taxing to look down (I am only able to type right now because I have come out of alignment.) I can't go to the store. I can't......the list continues. Not only can I not do anything to help....I need them to help me.
Turn the shower on for me.
Pour the juice for me (I can't lift anything more than a fork)
Rub the muscles in my back for me.
Yesterday I had held for 8 days. The last two days had been decent days for me. I had stopped flaring badly. I was able to be up and moving around for over 6 hours each day. I continue to have less pain in my knees, arches, and other areas that had been damaged due to my neck. Overall, I see progress even though it is so. unbelievably. slow.
Everytime I verbalize that I have a semi good day or see improvement- I get attacked. EVERY SINGLE TIME. If I mention in passing I'm having a good day or my pain isn't awful, it changes. Almost instantly. Last night it happened again.
I was sitting up with Brian. The house was quiet. We were discussing the fact that he has to go on a trip tomorrow morning. I was telling him that I was grateful I was holding alignment because I didn't think my mom and I could handle me being out and dealing with another flare while he was gone.
About two minutes later, I went to lay down in bed, I heard a pop in my neck. I came out of alignment.
I couldn't believe it. I had even prayed to the Lord before I told Brian I was grateful for a little progress. I had asked Him to keep Satan away from me and protect me as I give a self assessment that was positive. I knew that each time I had done this in the last month it was met with a flare or a change.
He didn't. He heard my prayer. But He said no.
I am still shaken by the fact that He said no.
Brian leaves tomorrow morning and I am currently out of alignment. My body feels like I have been inside a dryer tumbling around for the last 12 hours. When I get put back in, I usually flare badly. Nerves fire up my head and down my spine, skin hurts, feet and hands go numb, muscles spasm....
So I am assuming that trend will continue tomorrow...
I went to the Lord. God, Why? I know I shouldn't question. I know Your ways are too high. I know I dont understand Your purposes. But I still cry out. How long O Lord?
Last night was clear to me that I am in a battle. This is not something that if I have enough will power and determination and positive thinking....I will get better. I am doing my part...eating healthy, taking supplements, resting, icing, etc...but I am not in control.
There is a battle going on for my soul.
There is a battle going on for my children.
We got the official call this week for Mercy, in Haiti.
It's no surprise that I had my WORST pain day in months, the day we got that call. Why? because we are in a war.
2 Corinthians 10:3- For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh.
Ephesians 6:12- For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rules, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.
Satan knows his time is short. (Rev. 12:12)
And he wants to take down anyone he can with him before he gets thrown in the fire for all of eternity.
Including me. Including you. Including my little girl in Haiti. Anything he can do to stop us from loving God, trusting God, holding fast....he will do it.
God is still in control though. Satan got permission to afflict Job. God makes the boudaries. Satan can not cross.
Forgive me Lord for questioning You. I know you will sustain us this week as the circus continues. It won't be pretty. It will be filled with pain. The kids will be upside down as I can't help out...and my mom will do the best she can to take care of me, take care of them, and type up my dad's schoolwork! Brian will have to travel and be conflicted about doing his job well while leaving his family in disarray.
It will be another week of chaos.
So, we have a choice to make.
Run to the Lord and be content in the week He has called us too.
Or Run from Him.
Each day will be a fight to run to Him.
I know His Spirit will help us endure.
We are turning in paperwork this week for our adoption. We were officially matched in Haiti this week.
We are attaching with our acceptance a personal statement from me as well as a doctors letter. We are hoping that they give us grace. Because, as it stands right now, I would need to get on a plane within the next month for our first trip to meet her.
God is a God of miracles.
We are asking Haiti officials to release me of this first trip (Mercy would not come home until a later trip...)
I don't know what will happen next. We continue to wait on Him.
Continue to fight for our daughter. Continue to fight for healing. Continue to fight for contentment in this trial that He has called us too.
Continue to fight the good fight of faith....1 Tim. 6:12
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