I am sitting in a hotel in Columbus....
Waiting for doctors to call....waiting....waiting....I told someone earlier that I was at the mercy of the doctors. Not true. I am at the mercy of the Lord.
I am in pain. Awful Pain. When I walk it feels like my feet are broken.
After much cranial work and my atlas being adjusted incorrectly, I am left starting over. The trip to New York was over a month ago. I feel worse than I did when we initially went.
Physically, my body has seen one ailment after another, for about three years.
I don't know the end result. I want to know. But I don't. People keep telling me it will get better. People tell me I will have a nice smile again some day(currently no front tooth.. I wear a fake one. pain 24/7 in my mouth, nose and the jaw...hence, the cranial work)
Why do people think this? I do believe that the Lord is going to heal my neck....in His time. I feel that He has revealed that to me. I do not know this for certain....just a feeling.
I think I have come to the revealation too, as to why people tell me I will have healing and things will get better.
We are Americans. Things, as a whole, come easy to us. We have a headache? We can fix that. We are hungry? We can fix that. We want to buy something for fun? We can usually do that. We need to see the Dr? We can go see a Dr. When we have a problem, we usually can find out how to fix it. Maybe you have seen a different life....but that's the one I know. If I have a problem, I find a solution. It's not an option to stop trying. When I first lost my tooth I had countless people tell me..."there are so many things 'they' can do now...you'll never know you lost a tooth."
Thats true, to a certain extent. But what if it's not in the will of God for me to have another front tooth?
What if it's not in the will of God to heal me? What if it's not in the will of God to bring home my daughter from Haiti?
What if.... God reveals Himself the most in pain? What if God reveals our deepest need...Himself....when we lose the things we think we need? What if what it says in the Bible is true? What if passages like Romans 8:17 (we will only be glorified with Him PROVIDED that we suffer with Him) and 2Tim. 2:3 (share in the sufferings of Christ) changed their meaning and gave us assurance of His love. What if the afflictions of this life truly did pail in comparison to what is waiting for those who love Him?
God is the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow. So the God that I read about in the old testament, is the same living God today. That God was pretty serious. My God is pretty serious.
What if I started to care about what He truly cares about? Yes, I believe God cares about my pain. However, pain is ALL over sciptures and is clearly part of the Christian walk so He will not remove it if He wants to accomplish something with it.
So what does God truly care about? What if I looked at my sin the same way God does? Those that say God does not bring on natural disasters because He is a God of love? I don't really understand that. Yes, He is a God of love. He is also a God of wrath. He killed His Son in order to satisfy His wrath (on believers) And He has appointed a time that all men will die (or see Christ in the clouds) and He chooses that event. For some reason we are ok if someone dies of old age because "they've lived a good life" but it is unthinkable that God would choose someone to go in a tornado or earth quake? The bottom line is whether we go at 20 or 90, it's all a vapor. And we still will stand before a Holy God.
So what does a Holy God care about? Holiness, for one.
At what cost do I want to share in the glory of Christ? The cost is death. When you are born again you die to yourself....your desires...the American dream....comfort....security....
What if I cared about the sin I committed yesterday or the sin that I constantly struggle with as much as I cared about the pain I am in?
When Jesus said blessed are those who mourn....I believe He meant mourn over their sin. (feel free to check me on that....I remember reading that in my ESV notes I think)
God has been so gracious to me. I have these temper tantrums when I have to lie down all day. When I have to watch my family go to an event without me. When they play outside and I watch from the window. I lose my faith....how are You going to make this good God? How do we proceed in this adoption when I can't walk right now Lord? How?
When I have these tantrums...I tell Him. I need you to come down here and get me. Save me. Help me. Pick me up. Love me. Show me that You haven't left me.
He always does. He cares about my pain. But He is not willing to stop it until He has taught me what He wants to teach me through it. He is not willing to stop it until I trust Him alone and not the 20 doctors, dentists, oral surgeons, Atlas Orthagonals that I have seen.
I wait on Him alone. At what point did He designate that I will not have pain in my mouth anymore? That my neck will hold an adjustment? That I can walk without pain? That I can play with my kids? That I can travel to Haiti? That I can get my daughter?
I don't know. How long, O Lord? David lamented....I lament.
I have listened/watched a couple things on suffering lately that have been to great comfort to me.
One is the biography of John Bunyan by John Piper. (this is long...set aside some time..this is one of my dad's favorites)
http://www.desiringgod.org/biographies/to-live-upon-god-that-is-invisible
The other is a video clip by Bob Sorge called "God could have left Job alone" (only 5 min)
http://bobsorge.com/video/
If you are dealing with any kind of hurt, affliction or trial that is causing you to question God or just need encouragement, those are great resources (in addition to the Bible of course.)
I am still waiting....Hoping to see the dr. before the day is up.
I pray the Lord has that in mind for me today.
Psalm 51:1...
Have mercy on me O God according to your steadfast love....
